average white par Posted March 20, 2020 Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 It's a bit mental down here, Pars fans... the supermarkets are empty, as are many of the shelves (the red wine shelf being the most annoying of all)... I had a mini panic this morning when I developed a spectacular cough, which I immediately put down to my excessive tobacco consumption...or Coronavirus... The cough started in silence. First, the smoke was sucked deeply into the lungs while I began what was sure to be an agonised body spasm. My face first turned a rather sweaty green colour, my shoulders hunched... Legs bent, my hand gripped my pallid thighs in preparation for the coming convulsion... The cough began somewhere down in my shins, and I prepared by screwing my eyes tight,(lest they be jettisoned from my head) and my mouth gripped tight to preserve my shattered teeth, which are under enough pressure as it is... Suddenly, from afar, there came a sound like the rumbling of a hundred early Victorian water closets. Slowly, my body began to tremble and my bones to rattle. The first things to shake were my ankles, and the shakes swiftly travelled up my shins to my knees, which began to revolve and turn to jelly before they headed past my stomach and made their merry way to my blackened lungs... This was the point where a sound like a 3 ton garden roller being pulled over corrugated iron was heard approaching my heaving chest. My convulsed body was truly a pattern of many hues and colours, from a delicate green at my ankle to layers of pinks, blues, varicose purple and sweaty red. As the cough rose up my inflated throat it had now reached my inner mouth, my last line of defence. My cheeks were like football bladders. The climax was nigh! My whole body was now a purple shuddering mass but after several incredible attempts to contain the cough, my gub finally exploded open... Loose teeth, bits of breakfast and a terrible rasping noise filled the room, followed by a long silent stream of spume laden air... On and on it went until my whole body was drained of oxygen, my eyes were popping and the veins on my head were protruding like vines... Finally ,fresh air was sucked back in to my body just in time to do it all over again... So what do you think? Do I have Coronavirus or should I just smoke less fags? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldwiderab Posted March 20, 2020 Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 That is truly horrific AWP, first stop with the fags unless you have significant "herbal" content in said fags, also if alchohol cleans the outside surly it will clean the inside so maybe a few drams are in order to restore you to normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
average white par Posted March 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 You understand perfectly Robert... truly you are a man of great experience and wisdom, and myself and my pet rabbit (whose name is "Baffie") greatly appreciate your co-operation in this matter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldwiderab Posted March 21, 2020 Report Share Posted March 21, 2020 AWP, sorry to ignore your pet rabbit but obviously I did not have my thinking cap on at the time, if Baffie appears under the weather a bit as well, I heard my wife mutter something the other day about Wella hare restorer, perhaps that works on rabbits as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
average white par Posted March 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2020 No apologies are necessary Robert. After all. how were you to know? I actually used to have a pair of Baffies but one met it's demise in a quite horrific gardening accident. I won't bore you with the gory details but suffice to say I was scraping blood stained furballs and carrot residue off the garden fence for the best part of a week... However, I managed to make the best of the situation with the simple addition of half an onion, 4 cloves of garlic, some carrots (in remembrance), and a tin of beef stock. Simply fry the Baffie until thoroughly browned, and set aside. Fry the onion, carrots and garlic until translucent and re-add the Baffie. Add the stock and simmer gently for 1 hour until the Baffie can be pierced easily with a fork. Garnish with parsley and salt and pepper to taste. Serves 4 So it wasn't all bad, you know...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldwiderab Posted March 21, 2020 Report Share Posted March 21, 2020 "until the Baffie can be pierced easily with a fork" Was this how the process started in the first place? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
average white par Posted March 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2020 Oh, it was much worse than that Robert... the phrase "mechanically separated Baffie" springs to mind... However, during these troubled times, it's a good example of how, using the simple ingredients and techniques listed above, you can turn the loss of a well loved family pet into a tasty meal for 4. Believe me, few things have gladdened my heart more than the satisfied look on the bairn's wee faces after a hearty bowl of Baffie Soup... Oh, if you happen to lose a budgie, the dish can always be padded out with a couple of large Russet potatoes (my granny taught me that one) Cheers AWP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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