Dealing with Bereavement

[GEW35]

My dad died in 1990 and I think I miss him more now than ever I did! His ashes were spread on the park at East End, my mum felt he spent so much of his little free time at the football that he may as well be there in death too!  The Pars were a huge part of his life, in fact when I was born (on a Wednesday) he went to visit mum in the evening, kept looking at his watch and said to mum, if I leave now I'll catch the second half.....  His photo turned up on a throwback Thursday post on the Pars website a while back and it was just lovely to see him.  He died at a relatively young age, 54 - didn't live to meet my lovely hubby or my 2 kids however I kept his memory alive by using his initials & year of birth as my 'name' on this forum.  He'd be so delighted at the way his club have been conducting themselves over the past few years and everything is crossed that he'll 'see' us getting promotion this year.

 

 

[Captain_K]

HI JR

Sorry for the delay in replying, only just registered on this site today.

 

As regards to how long did it take to hit you, I was like you, it hadn't really registered at first.

 

My daughter was born only about two months before my Dad died.  Maybe that had something to do with how I coped at first.  It was a few weeks after his funeral when it got to me.  I was cradling my daughter in my arms, looked into her blue eyes, and was reminded of my Dad's blue eyes.  I suddenly thought that her granddad would never see her grow up, and she would never get to know him, and I just broke up.

 

As my children grew up, I never tired of telling them about their granddad.  I don't think I even realised how much he must have loved me until after I became a parent myself, and found myself doing things for my kids that he used to do for me and my brother, without moaning!

 

The pain does ease, and I have so many happy memories, so hang in there.

[Piracy]

Some genuinely touching stuff on this thread.

Hope some of you guys draw some comfort from the replies.

Thanks.

[SanguinePar]

One more thing that I meant to say before but forgot - I spent quite a lot of time after my dad died beating myself up over stuff we never did together - in particular that I never went out fishing with him on this wee boat he bought as a wreck and spent a year or two restoring.

He asked a few times, and I always had a reason that I couldn't go that weekend - the reasons were real, I wasn't avoiding it, but god I wish I'd just got out of one of those other things and gone with him even once.

Anyway, the point is, I spent a while feeling like a bad person for all the stuff we never did - until I realised that the reason I felt bad about them was that I really enjoyed the things we did share. So I try to remember the good stuff now, and not focus on the what ifs - after all, there would always have been something.

[Lawman]

As other folk are saying, there isn't a timescale of when it should hit you or when you should get over it...everyone copes however you feel best.

My mum died 11 years ago next month. I had turned 19 two weeks before, it was a Saturday, pars were at hame but I wasn't going to games then and twas the day before mothers day.  It wasn't any long illness...she had chest pains during the nite so when to the emergency gp in the morning. I brought her home with her pills, she took them, said they were working and went for a nap. Heard a thud...went upstairs, and found her on the floor..we think she died then and there.

Sorry if this is too much for anyone..personally, I feel more comfortable just saying what happened..gets it out of my chest .Just say and I'll tone it down..the day replays in my head whenever I see an ambulance zoom past me, or when I think about her.

I didn't cry of any of that malarkey at the time...I was a shoulder for other folk/family! But the nite before I started my first job, my dad brought our tea to the table, and I just started greeting..uncontrollably. felt stupid, but better.

Just talking about someone you've lost helps you cope/keep you sane and keeps their memory alive!!

[JR Ewing]

I actually had my first big greet about it on Saturday night just there. Just as people have said it came from absolutely nowhere.

I'm sure there's more to come, but in the meantime just cherishing the hundreds of memories I have with him.

 

Thanks again for all the replies and messages of support. This is a cracking wee place to be a part of.

[The Coach]

A similar story to you lawman, i lost my grandad about 14 years ago when i was 9/10.

 

I was staying over at my gran and grandads that night and planned on going to see Spiderman at the cinema the next day. 

 

When i got up in the morning my grandad wasn't feeling well and had been complaining of chest pains all night, so we couldn't go to the cinema. While i was moaning about not being able to go, my gran phoned the doctor to come out to the house. The doctor told him he had heartburn and to drink some milk and take some tablets (similar to rennies but i can't remember what). When my gran and i were in the kitchen getting the milk and tablets we heard a thud and found him on the floor next to his armchair. 

I'm not sure exactly when he died but he never woke up from that. 

It's weird the things you remember when things like that happen... It's the only time i ever watched Kenan and Kel... Which my gran told me to watch while she was on the phone with hospital/paramedic. 

 

Of course i cried at the time, but i didn't truly grieve until a couple of years ago.

 

 

 

[Buranokan]

My mum passed away last month as well. It's been a difficult few weeks, 4 days after my mum passed away my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and the day before my mums funeral one of my close friends passed away. He was in his 30s and was going to come to the funeral. I'm not ashamed to say I was completely shellshocked and more than anything, I felt like I was in a daze. 

On the day it happened I held it together, my younger sister was distraught and I was more concerned about her than anything else. As the days went on and other things started to happen I completely lost focus and felt really low. I decided though that I wasn't going to succumb to despair and despite having had a ****ty time I tried to look for positives and things I was thankful for. It's easier said than done, but I found this really helped. 

A few weeks on and i'm feeling ok. Things are starting to get back to how they were and i've learned a lot. The main thing is that something like this really does bring people together and it can inspire unbelievable kindness, even from complete strangers. Even small gestures made such a big difference. 

When you start to feel better it can be difficult to just go with it, maybe part of you is telling you that you shouldn't. It's best just to feel how you feel and try not to go against it too much. If you are feeling really low all the time though, use whatever help and support you can and try and be as positive as possible. Reading over this thread has been helpful, so thanks all for sharing this. 

[Jackpar]

Bereavement is a personal thing really. In my job I watch from the sidelines on a daily basis and the strength and resolve of people when faced with the death of a loved one never fails to amaze me.

For me, personally I was rocked when my school friend of 30 yrs died at aged 41. I really began to question my own mortality then.

I suppose the only thing I can conclude from all my dealings with death (of which there are many), is to live life to the full and never stop telling those closest to you that you love them.

Oh, and never look back.