Dealing with Bereavement

[JR Ewing]

So, apologies, for the less than cheerful nature of this post....

Sadly in January this year, I lost my Dad, after he'd fought a long courageous battle against illness. Since then it's still not really hit me or indeed sunk in. I always thought it would be one of those immediate things where I'd be absolutely inconsolable, but for the most part it's just not happened. Bizarrely had constant dreams where he keeps appearing and it still feels like he's never left me.

I guess what I'm asking is, does anybody else have experience like this and typically how long did it take for it to really hit you ? I know everybody is different and it's going to hit me square in the pus one day mind you.

 

 

[Superally]

Lost my Mother In July and still trying to come to terms with it and i'm still dealing with the estate. Its not easy and everyone has to find their way. My father passed a few years earlier and I still miss him too. The support from family and friends are vital. Don't aim to forget, remember the good the happy and the sad and forget about timescales as time will help to heal itself. There are professional supports available as well and if your struggling you don't need to be alone or be too scared to chat to your GP. Take care.

[JR Ewing]

Thanks Superally, appreciate the reply.

Had some counselling sessions since it happened and they have definitely helped. I know my old man's Dad passed away some 35 years before he did and he never seemed to get over that either. It's just a very surreal feeling the now.

 

[Paradox]

Lost my Grandpa 25 years ago, the only close relation that has passed since I was born.  He died home alone in his sleep, and I still have a recurring dream that he is actually still alive and I have lost all these years with him.

My wife lost her Dad 20-odd years ago, and she still struggles on his birthday, the anniversary of him passing and so on.

I guess it never really passes properly.

[Fu_Manchu]

Don't think you truly ever get over it. My Dad died coming up for twelve years ago. I still have dreams where he features, although a recent one was bizarre. One of our budgies, a budgie that loved my Dad, told me that he hated him, them proceeded to stab my Dad in the heart. WTF?

Anyway, getting back on track, I reckon my Mum would be fine and not far gone with dementia, if he was still alive. Remember the good times and he will stay forever in both your heart and memory.

[Piracy]

I've still got my parents, that to me is a blessing but they're old people now, although still game. Love them to bits.

All I can add is yeah, remember them as they were, they're in you anyway.

[Secure Par]

I lost my best mate 4 years ago and i can say it took 3 years to come to terms with him gone. The last year has been easier but i can't explain why. Maybe just remembering the good times takes away the what if i had helped him more etc.

It will also be a year on the 1st March since my Grandad died. He was a good 93 years old and active. Went down to see him on a Sunday and noticed the back door open and found he had slipped outside. He was in a mess as you could imagine. I still have dreams of him like this and its his face coming right up to me and staring.

Its strange how the mind works.

[donj]

In the same position as S'Ally.My mum died in August and on top of missing you have lawyers reminding you constantly as the estate gets sorted.Wish the hurt would go.Always thought she would outlive me but now you have nobody to phone with problems.Remember getting home from the hospital and thinking I'll have to phone my mum.Then I remembered.

Strange thing is I've got closer to my brother and sister when we hardly spoke for years,not fallouts just never got round to it, and now we speak/visit nearly every week.Wish we had got closer when my mum was here.

[SanguinePar]

Really sorry for your loss JR, my deepest sympathies to you and yours.

Similar to what Fu said, my dad died almost 8 years ago, when I was 29. That was cancer too, and was quite a short diagnosis-to-death period, just 8 months or so.

I remember that at first it was almost a relief - despite it being quick we had all kind of been grieving him for some weeks already as the disease destroyed him. He had lost all his strength, was often confused or scared and was going through all sorts of indignity, discomfort and pain. It was truly awful, the worst time in my life.

So yeah, there was the initial relief/stunned grief mix - we (my mum, my brother and I, plus other halfs) were all desperately upset of course, but we were also all so exhausted that there was some comfort in finally letting go, and moreso in seeing his suffering end.

Then it was onto the practicalities of the funeral, and all that, and the unfortunately-timed matter of my brother's wedding, just eleven days after Dad died. I was the best man, and spoke at both the funeral and the wedding - which was pretty intense, but also helpful to me in a way as it let me get my thoughts down on paper and express myself to people openly.

If you get a chance, you might find it useful to write down a letter or a speech (even if never delivered) or something about your dad, partly to help you take your time and get things out, and partly to remind yourself of him while the memories are still fresh.

One of my biggest regrets is that I don't seem to have any video which has my dad speaking. I'm not sure how, but I cannot seem to find any - and it's quite rough, as (almost as soon as he died) I realised that I couldn't properly remember his voice. For some reason that hit me very hard and it sticks with me (although as others have said, I sometimes talk to him in dreams and the voice seems right, even if I can't remember it the next day).

So after the initial few weeks what next? I guess that's where you are right now, although of course your experience and mine may totally differ.

I found it very hard as life got back to 'normal' - admittedly, I had already been living with depression for a number of years, but unexpectedly this actually seemed to recede for a while in the couple of years after 2008. Nonetheless, I found myself feeling very weepy, very beaten and very directionless.

I realised how much I had depended on my dad for his help and advice and support and encouragement. I realised how close we actually had been, having never really thought about it much. I missed him more or less every day for years.

The first year was the worst, as it was what I came to think of as the 'year of firsts' - my first birthday since... Our first Christmas since... and so on...

I don't know how old you are, but this was the time when my brother and I were each settling down, both getting married within a couple of years of each other, both having our first kids. And each of those was a reminder of the loss, the way things could and should have been. It still breaks my heart that my daughter will never know her Grandad, although we talk about him and look at photos sometimes.

I don't know if there's any point to this unintendedly long ramble, except to say that it does get better, but you never really forget (not for me anyway). In a way I'm glad though, as it's a constant reminder of what I value as a man, what I want to live up to and take guidance and strength from in tough times and happy ones too.

I miss him all the time, but I'm grateful for the 29 years I was able to know him and learn from him. So he's a happy memory now, and most of the pain has gone or at least reduced to a consistently tolerable level.

Take care, and feel free to PM if you ever want someone to talk to about things.

[Arthur Daley]

I lost my dad last year, I haven't had any time to grieve yet. In his later years his illnesses caused him to make disastrous business decisions. I'm still working seven days a week to try and rectify things. It's a strange feeling. 

 

For the record, if I'm ever diagnosed with either, dementia or motor neuron disease I'm hari kari all the way.

[biggrizz]

My mum died in September and i still have not taken it in. Because i was the oldest the rest of my family gave me all their problems while they were grieving and i never got a chance to. It has let to me being signed off work long term on anti depressants. 

I think what made it worse is that my Dad died in 1972 when i was 5 and my Mum was left to bring up four of us. She had only been married 6 years. I don't know what happened after that but my Gran on my Dads side caused a massive rift in the family and i never got to see any of that side of the family till last year. 

 

[Buffy]

Sorry to hear about your loss Dave. 

Everyone's different in dealing with bereavement. The main thing is, you'll get through it. You'll get there. 

It's normal for people to focus on the end of life because of illness and sadness but it's good to think about the life before. That's what I do.

My dad's  been offski for 13yrs but it was a year before it even hit me. I'd gone through a divorce, a job and a sibling's separation in that time. Then wham! No, not George Michael, but the same initials though. My feet and everything else went from under me. A tried and tested old saying - family and friends - get you through it. Greeting for Scotland on yer own for weeks, too, can help. 

I like to remember what he did for me, and the person I am because of him. 

I put the blame for the bluddy Pars addiction solely at his feet. 

The bone crushing rib cracking hugs - yup, that too. 

Wielding a snooker cue (my boss has me down as a secret weapon in an upcoming work tourney - Christoanabike I've no played for years); hudding a paintbrush for emulsion and watercolours; starting but not always finishing diy jobs; backies on motorbikes - trips to Kirkcaldy to the motorcycle shop next to the old tech - aah those were the days. My big brother has pit me on the back of his bike a few times noo plus I had a fabby day oot with mlh on his. Independence. I think he'd love the flat; appreciation and kindness to others before all else. Awa with the fairies too. We shared a lot. 

 

Time, memories, asking siblings and family about your loved one's upbringing, his life before you - all helped me. 

 

I'm here for the blether anytime, chuck. You know me xx 

 

[Deutsch Par]

I've not really anything to add to the body of the thread, however just posting a wee reminder to everyone that if you don't feel comfortable discussing things in the public forum then you can also take discussions to private message, and I think you can add up to 6 people in a private conversation. 

[JR Ewing]

Thanks all for the replies. And of course sorry to hear of your own losses.

 

 

[Scottish Womble]

I lost my dad almost 30 years ago, and I still miss him to this day.

Most days he's just there somewhere in the background, but things happen on occasion when you'll find just how much he is missed. Never goes away, but you do learn to deal with it better!